CHAPTER ELEVEN

The Test of Miriam

When the spring came again, Paul felt his old feelings rise to the surface. He knew that he would have to see Miriam. But part of him did not want to see her again. It was afraid of the memory of the pain she had caused. He told himself that it had all come from both of their weaknesses.

He could have married her, but his life at home took most of his energy. And, he did not really want to get married. Marriage was for life and he did not feel ready to give away his life. He wished that he did. It would make everything so much easier. But something inside him stopped it.

When he had been with Miriam, he had felt trapped inside himself. Why couldn't he come out of himself, go to her and make love to her? Clara had even said that Miriam wanted him to do just that. So why couldn't he?

He looked at the other men around him. Most were comfortable with themselves and with women. Yet he was so sensitive with women. He would rather be alone than to cause them pain. He had grown up in a house where his father had caused great pain to his mother, and he now thought that that was the reason why he could not bear the thought of causing a woman pain. In this way, all women had come to be his mother. To hurt any of them was to hurt her, and he had seen her suffer enough.

He went back to Miriam. Something in her, when he looked at her, made him cry. She opened herself up so much to him, that he felt she gave him too much power over her. He did not deserve it.

Mrs Morel saw him going again to Miriam's farm. She could not understand why. If he came home late she would look sad and say to him,

"Must she keep you this late?"

"It is I who stay," he would reply.

Miriam was full of love for him. Her love had not lessened over the time he had spent away. If anything, it had grown larger. When she looked at his brown eyes, that were full of sorrow, she felt sorry for him. It was harder for him; he was the one that did not know his own mind. She felt that she could go through any amount of suffering for him.

One day, as they were sitting together reading, he took her hand and kissed it. He did not know what he was doing, but he bent forward and kissed her lips. Their eyes stayed open, and she saw that, as he kissed her, he stared across the room at the window. He sat back, and stayed very still. His heart was beating very fast.

"What are you thinking?" she asked.

"I was thinking that I have loved you the whole time," he answered.

She put her head on his chest.

"Yes," she said.

She lifted her head and looked into his eyes with all the love she had.

"Kiss me," she said.

He closed his eyes and kissed her.

When she walked home with him over the fields, he said:

"I am happy I came back to you. I feel so simple when I'm with you and that there is nothing to hide. Do you think we will be happy?"

"Yes," she said, with tears in her eyes.

Miriam walked home; not seeing anything, there was so much on her mind. She did not care what other people thought; if he wanted her body he could have it. But she was afraid. What if she did not please him? What if she was not enough for him, and he went away? He was so much more than other men, but at heart he was still just a man and wanted what all men want. But she knew that to keep him now, she would have to give herself. She decided that if that was what would make him happy, then she would give him that, because making him happy is what she wanted most of all.

He treated her now like a lover. His eyes were full of desire. But she wanted them to be full of love. Their battle was far from over.

At this time, Miriam's grandmother became sick. She was sent to a hospital in town, so Miriam went to look after her house. It was a beautiful little house, and Miriam enjoyed her days. Paul planned to come on the next Monday.

It was perfect weather. He got to the grandmother's house at about eleven o'clock. Miriam was busy making lunch. He kissed her and sat down to watch. The house was theirs for the day and they felt like they were man and wife.

They went for a walk after lunch. The sun was shining and the fields were full of life.

"I have never seen anything more beautiful than this," he said, holding her hand.

"It's a great day," she replied.

"Our day, just us," he said.

They returned to the house. He locked the door and the house became their private world.

He would never forget seeing her stretched out on the bed. She had the most beautiful body he had ever imagined. He stood, unable to move or speak and drank her beauty in. Then he wanted her. Her big brown eyes were watching him. She lay on the bed, ready to give herself up.

"Are you sure you want me?" he asked.

"Very sure," she answered.

She lay there because she loved him. Paul knew that and for a second he wished he were dead. He closed his eyes and all he could hear was his blood rushing through his body.

Then he took her. He took her and loved her with every part of himself. But he wanted, somehow, to cry. He stayed with her until late in the night. As he rode home he felt that finally he had become a man. But why did he feel so sad?

He spent every day of that week with her. They loved each other before, now they learned to love each other's bodies. It was Paul who always began their lovemaking. Miriam waited for him. Afterwards there was still the feeling of failure and death.

"When I come to you, you don't really want me, do you?" he asked her.

"I do, I do," she said. "I believe, like you do, that loving, even in that way, is the best thing in life."

"But why do you never seem to want it. You take it, but you don't want it," he said.

"Don't say that. I want your children," she said, almost in tears.

"But not me," he said sadly.

After a week of love he said to his mother one Sunday night, just as they were going to bed, "I will not go so often to Miriam's mother's house anymore."

She was surprised, but she would not ask him anything.

"Please yourself," she said.

There was a new quietness about him that she worried about. She thought she knew why, but she also knew that there was nothing she could do about it.

He continued to be faithful to Miriam. For one day he had truly loved her. But it never came again. The feeling of failure grew stronger. At first it was only sadness. Then he began to feel that he could not go on. He wanted to run away. He began to stop asking her for her body. It had not brought them closer; it had only pulled them apart. There was no use trying, it would never work between them.

For some months he had seen very little of Clara. Sometimes they had taken a short walk, but he kept most of himself for Miriam. With Clara he did not feel sad. She treated him as if he were her child.

Without knowing it, the freedom he felt when he was with Clara was pulling him away from Miriam. He felt responsible for Miriam but he felt Clara was responsible for him.

Paul and Miriam went on this way for months. He hated her most of the time, and would then hate himself for doing so. When he was with her he felt all his weaknesses come to the surface. He felt that the love between them was a sign of both their faults.

At last he spoke. He was sitting at home one night with his mother, who had known for months that he was not going to stay with Miriam. He had been unable to sit still all night and was now standing at the door, looking out at the night.

"You should go to bed, my boy," said Mrs Morel.

He turned around, and said in a quiet voice:

"I am going to end things with Miriam."

She looked up at him. His eyes were on fire.

"But I thought you were feeling happier," she said.

"I don't love her. I don't want to marry her, so I will end it," he replied.

"I have said nothing, because I thought your mind was made. I thought you wanted her," she said, carefully.

"I had, I wanted to, but it is no good. I must end it," he said.

"I think it will be for the best," she said, "you have never really been happy with her and a life of unhappiness is the most terrible thing."

He went the next day to see Miriam. She met him at the front gate. She was wearing a little white dress and she looked very beautiful. They sat down together in the fields. Miriam could sense that he had something on his mind.

"I have been thinking," he said, "we should end this."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it's no good. I don't want to ever get married, and if we are not going to get married, then there is no point going on," he answered.

"But why do you say this now after all these months?"

"Because I've made up my mind," he said in a hard voice.

They were quiet. Miriam saw him now as a stupid child. A child that drinks all he wants and then throws away the cup. She had for so long tried to reach him, she had given herself to him, and it was still not enough. She began to cry.

"You are nothing but a child!" she screamed.

He did not answer. If she was going to act this way, then he would let her. All he wanted now was to be gone.

"Well, what do you want to do?" she asked angrily.

"I simply want this to end. We have lived our lives together for so many years. I will go my way and you will go yours. We will live separate lives," he said.

All the pain that he had caused her over the years now came rushing out. Miriam screamed at him and told him all that she thought was bad and weak about him. Paul was amazed at the amount of pain that was inside her. He had always thought that only he had a troubled mind.

So their love was never as strong as he had thought? Why hadn't she told him? It had only gone on so long because Paul thought that it was only himself that he had to convince. But now he realized that she had been holding back her true feelings. There was nothing left to say. Paul stood up to walk home.

"Shall we see each other?" she asked.

"I don't think it's a good idea if we do. I'm sure we will run into each other from time to time, but you should try to start a new life without me," he answered.

"I see," she said, with angry tears rolling down her face.

For the next few weeks, Paul felt nothing. He was at the stage where you can feel no more pain. Now that he knew what Miriam had really thought about him, he began to see their love very differently.

After a while he invited Clara to have dinner with him. She was the same as she had always been. But now the feeling she caused in him had changed. He was no longer so afraid of her. After their dinner they walked through a park leading towards the train station. It was dark in the park and they were not saying anything. Suddenly, Paul took her in his arms and kissed her. She was surprised, but then she started to kiss him back. They did not say anything.

At the train station they wished each other goodnight and went home, each filled with new and exciting thoughts.

(end of section)